she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
