Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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