I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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