She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
