I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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