You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
