I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
