my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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