I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
is that a dick in a sweater?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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