He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
it glows. i had to have it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
