Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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