Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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