Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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