this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
