no, he came in my armpit
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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