I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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