walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
