is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
