i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
