I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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