All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
