There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
