that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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