my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
