My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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