my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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