she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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