why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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