A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
