I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
