Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
