she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
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We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Even my vagina gasped.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
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I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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