It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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