god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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