apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
