I cockslap morals
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
