I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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