Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
