my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
