I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize