she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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