If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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