toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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