tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
