I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
