You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
