it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I checked into jail on foursquare
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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