my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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