So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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