I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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