how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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