if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
