You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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