Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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