Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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