this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I need moral support for this bender
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
